..As December Ends !

The intrinsic winter,
& the air so condense..


The lost affection,
that had once made sense..


An obscure strangeness,
that felt like an offense..


It reminds me of something,
just as December ends.. !!

foot-prints !!

It was beautiful,

the unusual glare..

the silent drizzle,

& the  fragrant air..

the same old hill,

that looked unfair..

The same old hill,

and our foot-prints there !!

Analysis of Financial 'state'ments !

It was 9am. With a deep glance at the some-what ugly window pane next to me, I was contemplating, not sure what. Adjusting my spectacles that got slightly tilted in the process over the bridge of my nose I looked back to the table that looked wonderfully embellished by the financial management textbooks and hand outs. On the other side of the table was a guy who looked impatient and annoyed with his life, the reason was that he was attempting his 2nd semester MMS exams along with CFA level-II. There were some souls around who were seamlessly dozing off and on, as if they had taken an oath to live and die on the very study table. There were peons and other library staff members who looked engrossed in their own worlds, with female ones gossiping over their relative's newly bought vehicle and the males- yawning, drinking water, walking in and out, going back to their respective seats and yawning again !

       Amidst all of them, was I. Foolishly contemplating, sometimes turning the fan on, then turning it off again, playing Need For Speed and clicking some random pictures. Suddenly there was an enthralling moment where life felt full of energy and a high intensity volatile interest popped up of understanding the concepts of finance. I picked up the pen and began with a question on Ratios. Life initially in all aspects is easy, and so was the question that I solved with little help of my friend. It felt good. While I moved my eyes onto the next question, the phone vibrated, it was an SMS. And guess what, I didn't bother to check it, whoaa, achievement ! Without getting my mind to ramble, I got along solving the question, with little apprehension and slight hesitation I was just about to finish it and suddenly something happened. Nothing material, it felt as if I am fooling myself. Finance is not my cup of tea, how the heck am I suppose to understand what comes and goes in terms of money in a firm. Who cares if the equity of a company is twice its debt or otherwise. And how on earth am I suppose to remember all those damn formulae of what-not-ratios. Bloody, ratio had such a simple meaning before and that was the arithmetic division of two values, numerator to denominator. Finance complicated it, and complicated my life too. It was 12 'o' clock, 3 hrs done and I was on the 2nd question. The pen in my hand was raring to go, but it wasn't sure where. The problem was that finance had made life difficult. Assets, liability, debt, reserves, P&L, balance sheet and in the end a messed up neurotic disordered brain. I finished solving the problem, looked at the next one, then looked at the same tarnished window pane, and finally I was back, contemplating !

..those moments !

Searching the lost way,

moving across the spheres..

I miss those moments,

more intensely than it appears..

Those days when you cared,

despite all the fears.. 

The times when we cried together,

and still laughed with tears.. !!

..wish you were here !

Remembering the good ol' days,

and the times we were near..

Leaving behind the sorrows,

and smiling on the fear..

I moved across the library,

and saw our past re-appear..

I sat down for a while,

and wished you were here.. !!

..The 8'o clock lecture !

After several attempts of pressing the snooze button of my cell phone which showed that it had been 5 minutes 'again' already since I pressed it the last time, I finally use to wake up. Rushing through the early morning chores, forcing my foot into the canvas shoes, hurriedly picking up the 3.5kg laptop contained bag I use to rush down the street towards the railway station and my phone use to beep in a manner that sounded different, rather euphonious. Like every beautiful morning, it use to be her message which read," Whr u". I still don't know if she used to be that lazy to type the whole "Where are you"  or she liked being terse in mornings. I never asked, and now I don't think it matters anymore. " I am late, lemme kno wen the lect starts" I use to reply. With twenty mins to go, I used to be at Bandra railway station, late again and again and again, for the 8'o clock lecture.

It was the time when everything used to be glorious. There used to be that fragrance in that morning freshness, and the charm in the air that used to tell me that someones there in that lecture who is waiting for me to arrive. And it felt good that I had a reason to reach early, though I am habitual getting late. It gave me a sense of feeling that cannot be expressed in words that I don't need to note down everything that is taught in the class, and I can afford to miss a concept that the professor is throwing at us and sneak a doze, and that was because I knew that she was there sitting next to me, that even if I miss, she'll hit. There used to be that tacit assurance that "You won't get drowned, I am your life jacket" I loved fooling around when she used to be by my side. The trust that I had in her, though unsaid, I felt it was rock solid. But mere trust in the person isn't enough, there is more than one dimension to everything that exists, and destiny is something that works on a no-dimension basis.

         Today the time has changed. Everything is different. There is no more fragrance in the morning freshness, and the air has no charm to offer. The cell phone is having a wonderful sleep in the morning without bothering to beep euphoniously and there is absolutely no one who awaits my presence in the lecture room. 

One thing hasn't changed, and would never change, and that is 
..the 8'o clock lecture !

..One thing that I hate about you !

I went back to the place where we first met,
and searched for a hazy clue..


I searched the every possible dimension,
I searched in the dark and the blue..


I even enquired about it to the setting sun,
and also asked the early morning dew..


I looked for a trace in our past,
but was still unable to view..


It might sound fake and spurious,
but in the end it's so damn true..


that I am just not able to find that one thing,
that I hate about you !

..the invisible mode !

It's 11 at night. You just finished your dinner after a hectic day at work. Your laptop is still on the standby mode. You decide to wind up things for the day and doze off but by doing that you feel a little restless. All the while stuck amidst work or people related to work, you feel retarded. You log in to your Gmail account and see a whole bunch of people online. A mixture of people from your high school, your neighbourhood and of course your workplace, some with tacky captions, some interestingly high, some absurdly low, while some with an expressionless red dot before their names. Somehow you don't want others to notice you for various reasons best known to yourself and the interesting part is that no one is actually aware that you are online, because you are invisible !

Why can't life have such an invisible mode? 

Sometimes we wish if we could just hide without actually hiding. Sometimes we just want to watch things happening around without being noticed. Sometimes we wish we didn't exist and could still roam around places checking out what life is without us and have the special power to re-exist the next moment. How exciting it would be to not exist for some period of time in life, to vanish into an invisible mode so that no one knows where you are, what you are upto & whether you really subsist or not.


Organizations would then put up a clause in the offer letter of the so called invisible mode like they do for holidays. Lovers would promise each other that if at all they go invisible they would do  that together, and parents would warn their children not to vanish without permission.

Imagine what a break we would get out of this life which sometimes seems impossible. Living a life other than the original life which has no communication networks, no bugging phone calls, and no disgusting relationships. Just a truly lonesome soul watching everything that is happening in the world just as we normally do, but who would have the power to come back where he had left.

What a life it would be ..if that happened !!

..back to school !!

February 21, 2010: Helpless and tired, after restlessly lying down for a long time that seemed unending I checked my watch, it showed 05.45am. I couldn't believe that I had not slept even for a minute all night long and the worst part was that I had to appear for the Common Entrance Test (CET) in less than 8 hours, supposedly my last attempt at B-school entrance tests.There was an unusual stir in my head. I somehow managed to find a paracetamol pill inside the drawer. That was the only thing that would help my brain relax and induce the much needed sleep. I went back to bed.

      At 09.55am I got up with a jerk. Looking at the watch I started counting the number of hours I had slept for. "More than 3" I said to myself and smiled.

         After an uneasy two and a half hours of the CET exam (Uneasy because I had got a seat right in front of the loo) I made my way out of the main gate of the esteemed Jamnalal Bajaj Institute of Management Studies. Just when I was about to leave I turned back and clicked a photograph of the wall which had JBIMS logo carved on it. The picture looked pretty awesome, but somewhere something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I thought for a while & left.

July 28, 2010: It was a beautiful rainy morning when I reached JBIMS. I had got my results the other day and yeah,as per the rankings I was one of those 120 lucky people who made it there, Jamnalal Bajaj –A dream come true!

          

            Moving into the premises I took my camera out, focussed it onto the same wall which had  the institute name and logo carved on it, and this time the photograph looked different.

 Through those lenses along with the JBIMS logo I saw myself. I saw myself getting up every damn morning year after year running behind a career, a goal, a dream. I saw myself bunking at work just because I had a CAT/CET seminar to attend.  I saw myself slogging and hunting for improvements in my mock tests. I saw myself managing my personal & professional life to the best I could. I saw myself planning about my future while taking the morning shower, I saw myself de-motivated when I had lost this MMS seat by 4 marks the other year. I saw my parents supporting me when I was low, I saw myself being criticised by some people whom I thought were my friends. I saw myself staying up all night due to an agitated brain with my CET exam the next day. I saw myself shiver just before the results were to be displayed. I saw myself praying at the every possible temple and at the every possible church. And in the end I saw myself smiling, the way I had never smiled before.

Now the picture looked perfect !

"I am back to school .." I said to myself jumping with joy.

Glad to tell you guys, JBIMS is reloaded, and I am one of the bullets.... Cheers ;-)

..yet again !

It was getting better,

A spell so numb, so dry,

I hoped it continued,

I slept with a sigh..

I saw a dream,

helpless, couldn't sustain,

It broke all the rules,

took me down the memory lane..

I saw you far away,
I saw you cry,
you whispered something,
& I wished it was a lie..


I woke up with a jerk,
I felt the pain,
I rubbed my eyes,
& they were wet, yet again !

Let's accept it !

"Why can't you change?" He said to his elder brother and barged out of the room banging the door with a thud expressing his disgust. 

How many times has the above thing happened to you personally? Well, quite often, isn't it? And it happens every where, be it your home, be it your work or be it any other place or thing you deal with. You come across certain issues, think you are doing the right thing, reach at a point where things go beyond your control and then quit saying,"That's not my cup of tea." And you are so sure that this will help.

Well, the fact is that it doesn't. And then we think that the world is full of shit turning us into a cynic. 

Why does this happen? We humans have a inborn tendency of something called "To Change." We want to manipulate things around us. We might say that we have great deal of reverence for other peoples' perspective, but the bottom line remains, "More than anything else, MY PERSPECTIVE MATTERS."  

         Founder of Vedanta Academy, Mr. Parthasarathy once said,"We get terrified by the summer and want it to be cooler, we shiver during winter and want it to be warmer, we hate rains and want it to be drier. We just want things to be what they are not"

 Why??? 

Why can't we understand that the beauty of summer is its sweltering heat? The nature of winter is that it is cold, and it has to rain in the month of June. Why can't we accept things as they are and enjoy what they give us instead of wanting to change them for what they are not?

Life is not about quitting thinking,"Nature is something we cannot change." But it's about why do we want it to change. We are what we are because of things we have come across all our life right from the time we were born, similarly people have gone through their own way of living, and that's what makes them the way they are. 

Let's not get petrified by someone whose nature made you feel disgusted. Lets feel lucky that you  came across something unusual and got a chance to see what's printed on the other side of the coin.

Let's accept people the way they are, and let's enjoy their nature, after all Summer won't be called Summer if it's not hot !

..love you a lot !

On the day when I was born,

I opened my eyes and saw two angels,

Both of them so content & glad..

One of them I called Mom,

the other one I called Dad..

They held my hand,

& taught me to walk..

motivated me everytime,

& were always there,

Whenever I needed someone to talk..

They woke me up every damn morning,

and sent me to school..

No matter how much teachers complained,

they trusted me every single time,

they knew their son was not a fool..

I grew up,

disrespected them,

So shamelessly even after being known..

that every wrong word which I say,

would hit them like a stone..

Today on this Valentine's Day,

where people are busy expressing Love..

I want to tell my angels,

They mean everything to me,

even more than the God above..

Being your son in this world I realize,

what a great gift from god I've got..

Hey Mom, hey Dad,

Let me tell you today,

I really love you a Lot !

..Apple of my eye !

Sweetest you are,

as sweet as a pie..

Would never let you be alone,

even if I die..

Just can't see you low,

wanna hold everything high..

I mean it when I say,

you are the 'Apple of my eye'

..good-byes are bad !

"I think the train has come" she said and we shook hands for the last time. "Keep smiling" I murmured while the train moved and she waved me till the sight could fade.

It was the day which was supposedly the last time we met. Before you take it otherwise let me tell you the person I'm portraying here is one of my closest friend. She is someone whom I had met during my 1st job at a Mumbai-based company. Initially it hardly mattered, but as I started knowing her, she became an idol for me. A Piscean, with more sensibility than sensitivity, a female with a cute killing smile & zero attitude, someone who would always be there whenever the circumstances demand.

I always have a dumb assumption which is true majority of the times that one day out of the week has to be bad for you. And one such day for me is Friday. Believe it or not, but this day sucks for no reason every week. Nothing disastrous, but it leaves me in a state of uneasiness which I could never define. And whenever I used to come across such kind of uneasiness, I used to meet her. Surprisingly every uneasiness and every sorrow used to fade away. She has that kind of magical attitude towards life, that one can't be sad with her.

She changed my attitude towards life, she added nothing in my life except smiles, and the best part being that I experienced friendship in purest form with her.

But nothing in life is permanent, and whatever comes has to go away.

As the train moved out of sight, I turned and... I was blank.

Though I never thought I would feel so much after she goes away, though available on phone, it makes a lot of difference & now I feel that I am actually going to miss a friend.

Someone who wouldn't be there to laugh with me thinking I'm mad..

Someone who wouldn't be around when things go wrong and I feel sad..

Wishing happiness always I bid her a Good-bye,

but sorry to say these Good-byes are really really bad !

..The Good ol' Days !

It was 7pm. I and a friend of mine were standing at a Stationery Store for taking Xerox copies.

“How much more time your stupid Xerox is going to take”, she asked me. I turned towards her, gave her a damned look and adjusted my tilted spectacles.

“What ?” she asked.

“Have patience” I replied.

It was a little crowded place with people around who had come there for taking Xerox. Let me tell you when you are with a female you are always noticed by almost everyone, irrespective of how inconsequential you are.

“Tushar…, you know what” she said in a tone that often frightens me.

I lowered my eyebrows trying to guess what it was when all of a sudden she said ,” There is a black noodle hanging out of your nose.”

What followed was stun silence.

With a question mark on my face I looked around while she began laughing holding her face tightly. It was so embarrassing. I lowered my eyes in disgust, rolled them across like a thief to find out if any one around was watching me. No one was looking at us but I could sense their pointed ears and they indeed knew what was happening.

Looking at her I rubbed my nose in a manner full of shame. She was going bonkers, laughing and laughing. I rolled my eyes across and this time I found everyone looking at me. As if it was a golden hair coming out of my nostril that they wished to see.

Imagine how you would feel when your female-friend embarrasses you in the crowd and laughs and laughs at your face while you stand amidst the whole thing with a clueless expression.

I looked down, took the Xerox, and quietly moved out of that place while she laughed and laughed and laughed…

So very silly & so very humiliating, but as I recall now, the Noodle, the people and her 2000KW laughter, I actually laugh.

Wait a minute, Am I laughing on myself.., ? (eyebrows raised !)

..I'll be the sky !

I won't be like the sun,
That would set leaving you in pain,

I won't be like the cloud,
That would go away after giving you rain,

I won't be that season,
That abruptly acts insane,

I won't be that reason,
That would leave your life in disdain,

I won't be that intuition,
That fakes you like a chicane,

I won't be like that dream,
That makes you sleep-refrain,

I wont be that harsh stroke of misfortune,
That shatters you all over again,

But..

I'll be the sky,
Who is always out of the frame,

But still watches you everyday,
Irrespective of the loss or gain ..!

..The good 'ol dayz --> Part # 1

Rahul, Compass and his Ass !

June 1998 ;
After a great vacation it was time to go back to school. Luckily I, Rahul & Benedict got the same division, Std IX-A. It felt great to be together in the same classroom. We knew each other very well and were real pals. From helping each others during rough weather to pulling each others legs in a manner that even enemies would think twice, we did not leave any stone unturned.

I still remember that day, it was Science period going on. Miss Noor Ahmed was teaching us a chapter on chemical reactions. Rahul and Benedict used to sit on the 6th bench of the last row, and my place was just behind them. I and Benedict had planned something really awful for Rahul that day. The lecture got over, and it was the English period after that. Sister Philomina entered the classroom. We all stood up, and just at that moment, Benedict took out the compass from the geometry kit and nodded at me, I took the compass and putting my hand through the gap below my desk placed it,rather held it erect with the tip shining and smiling at Rahul's ass. "Good Morning Sisterrrrrrrrr"went the whole class. "Sit down" said Sister. Rahul had never ever imagined what he (or rather his ass) was going to bear for the remaining part of the day. He forcefully started to rest his ass on the bench, AHHHHHHHHHHHH and the compass did the rest !

He jumped in the air like a rocket, while Benedict pulled him down again while covering his 10000KW laughter, I had to hide beneath my desk hiding even more wattage of laughter than Benedict. Rahul quietly put his head down, with one hand at the place of destruction and constantly pounding Benedict with the other.

The moment that followed during recess was an emotional one with Rahul showing the otherwise sentimental side of him with all sorts of friendship dialogues.

He could have easily created a scene in the classroom that time putting me and Benedict to serious punishment. But he didn't do that.

The next day it was the same bench, same lecture and the same friends.

Those were one the most beautiful days of our lyfz, and both of those two guys are indeed my best and truest friends.

I miss you guys!